SHORT STORIES
(Fiction and non-fiction: Anything about life)
Confession of a Suspicious Mind
(Short Story)
I am always suspicious, just like you, eyeing every move and analyzing every word that comes from a person’s mouth. Afraid of what they tell me, I always make sure to hear everything they talk about. Even their gestures are no exception. They are all subjects to my keen eyes. Taking heed on my surrounding is what I always do. Yes, it needs a lot of work to do, but for 10 years of living as such, it becomes my habit.
When I was child, my patrons never missed a day to bully me. It seemed it became their usually routine, an ingredient to call their day complete. There was a time when I was just walking to home from school. A gang of teenagers older than I am threw me in a trash bin, head first. That day, I went home with plastics still stuck in my shirt. My mom was not home yet. She was at her work, making sure that at the end of the month we have food to eat. I don’t have someone to talk to every time I was bullied. A coincidence, I barely knew. It just happened.
In the end, I chose to conceal it.
Gone are the days when I live peacefully. Anywhere I go, everywhere I go, it happens. These made me lose my confidence, made me think that no one will ever accept who I am. My skin is full of scars. Even my face has a mark, a long stretching embossed line from my left eye to cheek. It is the proof of the beatings I received from my father. He died from throat cancer. Karma, itself, saved me from his cruel hands. But karma never even thought of the future villains of my life. After that I convinced myself to take revenge using my own hands.
My mother mourned for months. She did not left the bedroom, so I was left alone doing what a mother should do. With no friends or siblings or relatives, I am always left alone. No one knew how I think or how I react to certain things. I’m just quiet like a mute child, but they did not know how my eyes sparkle when I started to think how to make them suffer. The funny thing when I took my revenge, they never knew even a slightest chance that it is I who inflict damage to their life. So when someone conspicuously did something to me, expect my revenge with no chance of achieving justice at all.
Their stare itself tells me how guilty they are, their jaws that clenched every time they lie or use me as an absorber of their anger or issues in life. The words they use, its intonation and the topic they discuss, it becomes my basis that they are an addition to my list of villains – my evidence that they are wicked like the persons I made suffer before. I did it for justice per se.
I am always suspicious. It’s the reason I even stayed at night to watch their every move and every words they speak. I am a guardian that makes them feel to always watch out and never commit any mistake.
I am not the only who have the same skill, which becomes a part of my nature. There are millions of us out there who haven’t yet discovered their unique talent, or haven’t met someone like them, or do not have the confidence to place justice in their own hands. I am not the only one. I am not the worst, but I am not also the best.
I’m just an observer, a spectator, a bystander or whatever you call it. I’ll let karma finish what I started. Remember that I only watch even though they scream for help or plead to save them. I’m just a spectator who loves to find suspicious persons with apprehensive actions, like the villain that scarred me when I was young. I’m just an observer, a spectator, a bystander or whatever you call it. I did it for justice per se.
HIS SILENCE
Short story
Few minutes have only passed, yet it sounds like thousand years. He kept me waiting, standing in front of a hallway full of various and mischievous judgmental faces. Some of them stayed, some just vanished, and hundreds left. I kept waiting even though my legs grew numb from standing. I barely moved, trying to reserve my energy for when he arrives I have the strength to walk and chat with him my plans and us. My eyes were turning red, but I ignored it. I wiped it with my handkerchief and continued waiting.
An hour had already passed and my mind seemed to be exploding from lack of patience. I thought of slapping him in the face or punching him in the stomach when he arrived. Even though I know I don’t have the strength to do so, and from the moment I see his dear face, I'll be able to forgive him because I love him (secretly and unrequited).
Yes, he did not know or, maybe, he barely knew. His coldness and rare and unexpected warmness unwillingly captured my heart. I hate him, yet I can't stop loving him. If only I could convince my heart to stop from beating for him. If only I could forget him so I'll stop waiting in the hallway I usually do not visit.
Few days ago, I tried to kill my beating heart. I tried stabbing it; even crushing it so it will grew numb. But I failed. It never stopped beating for him, so I decided to face it. Yet the consequence was seemingly unbearable. He never said a word to comfort me, to assure me that he felt the same. I was floating in wilderness and soaking in pain. I barely breathe and nearly died.
Still, I am standing here in front of the hallway I usually do not visit. No shadow of him appeared. I'm shaking because of hunger but I continued waiting. The hallway suddenly became noisy, unbearably noisy. I tried to listen to all of them, yet I can't understand any piece of it. I’m afraid of them. I fear their judgments.I tried to focus on every voice. I heard one say "There must be something". Another said "Nothing serious". Meanwhile, a girl's comments hit me. She said "No one deserve her". Eavesdropping made my stomach whirl.
I felt stumbling but I able to balance. “It was not meant for me,” I convinced myself.“Yes, she was talking to someone else. Someone she hated. I barely knew her, yes, it's not me.”
I walked into the crowd and felt mixture of emotions: happiness, jealousy, sadness, loneliness, hatred and guilt. I forced myself to stand and walk through the crowd until I reach and filled an open space. There, I can clearly see the end of the hallway. I stand firm and clutched my hand. My chest was throbbing while I hold back the tears in my eyes. He was there standing with his friends laughing and talking. He caught a glimpse of me, but ignored my presence. I joined them and unceasingly stared at him.
He noticed my intrusion. He grabbed my hand and pushed me in the corner. He stared at me with vague expression. He looked serious but I felt the amusement in his eyes. He did not hold my hand, instead, my left wrist. The noise suddenly faltered. For minutes we stayed in that position, but did not say any word. He let go of my left wrist and walked forward.He never said a word or did not say any assurance and left me again in wilderness. He never said a word.
I thought of running towards him and give him a hug or a slap, but I hesitated. Instead, I chose to watch him walk and pass on every person in the crowd. He did not dare to look back. There was again pain, and then silence. I already decided not to follow him. Yes, I am hesitant but I knew this is the best way to heal my broken heart: letting him go. I’ve been holding it for too long. I turn my back and walk in the opposite direction. I turned my head moment by moment wishing he'll look back, but I saw nothing.
THEREFORE I CONCLUDE,
That this must be THE END of our story that never had a chance to have a beginning. The end of the open space I tried to fill in.And stop visiting the hallway I barely knew. Yes, maybe, it's better this way; ending my suffering from continuously living in a hopeless romantic dream and hole I called “ Fairy tale.”
But is turning back the best way?
A LETTER TO MR. ANONYMOUS
Dear Mr. Anonymous,
They said that once you love a person, the feeling would never leave. Maybe, that’s my case. If you think I’m confessing, maybe I do, but for me, it is a way of filling my empty heart; my way to be able to love again.
I did have crushes during grade school, but the feeling was different. Not to mention most of them were acquaintances, and became my close friends. They became my source of inspiration, my driver to do my best. Of course, my family is part of them. They always see the best in me, expect a lot from me, and always show those kind words. They cheer me up, establish connection and make close. That’s who they are, and the persons that I love.
However, you’re case was different. When I realized I have a deep romantic feeling for you, my heart shook up. It beat fast that every time I saw you I can hardly breathe or concentrate. I can’t even look in your eyes. My drive and passion to do well in school left me. Those were the times I prayed I should’ve not got too close to you, and strongly believe that you’re just a friend who only passed by.
I even wished that I don’t want to see you again, hoping that I will eventually get over from your flirtatious words and smiles, making me, for the first time, barely sleep. You tormented me and let me suffer from stress. How could you be so mean and cold? You knew that I suddenly became indifferent, but you never confronted me even once.
Months have already passed. I assumed I already get over you. I saw those messages of yours, telling your feelings for only few words. You might not know but I have read some of it. You might even think that I never cared. But you are wrong.
I want you to know that I could still remember the tightness of your embrace the very last time we met. It was the first time someone hugged me so tightly. I blushed; I admit that I can’t forget it until now.
Please take note that the next words I’m going to write are what I meant most. What I really felt for you. And who you really are to me.
Yes, you are different. Because you’re the first man who made my consciousness detached from my body; making me lose control aside from speaking in front of a crowd. However, unconsciously you became my strength. You’re the first person who never judged me, who did not wait for me to commit mistake. You may not be my source of inspiration, but you became the sunlight that gives me energy to go on and do my best.
I am a type of person who does not look in the person’s eyes when talking because of inferiority complex. But my reason for not looking into your eyes was different. I was afraid that I might eventually give up and tell you my feelings. I was afraid that I would get everything wrong and I was the only who felt that way. It is also pride and lack of self-confidence that kept me away from you.
It is also you who made me realize how weak I am in love, but how I am willing to sacrifice just for love. I did wish not to see you but I strongly prayed that you’re always there for me. I hated you because you’re the first person who let jealousy take me, wishing I am the one you’re embracing and spending time with.
Lastly, you always believe in me, and never thought of me as your competitor but a special friend whom you should cheer and support. You knew my weaknesses but you still believe in me and trusted me with your frustrations and problems. I miss those times.
And now you did it again. You unwillingly cheered my heart by making a special treatment on my simple message for you. Because of this weird, unusual feeling, I gave it a special meaning, which I should not. I know you thought me only as your friend, as someone you can bully and nothing else.
A friend of mine told me to express it. I hope I successfully did, and by doing so it will help me move on. Maybe, it’s time to let you go. Maybe.
Still, thank you for those painful memories, my sweet and cold Mr. Annoying (as I want to call you). I will never forget you. In the future, I’ll share those memories and let the persons, who will be part of my future, know that there is this one person who changed my life, and let me experienced an ecstasy a person could ever had.
Till we meet again…
Goodbye “my sweetest downfall.”
Sayonara my first love.
P.S. My love for you will always stay in my heart.
Sincerely,
The messenger of happiness
FRAGILE Friendship
A STRUGGLE OF MIND AND EMOTION
A simple word will do. I waited long enough for your reply. I text you twice, notifying my sudden call, but you never bother to text or call back. I wonder what happened. I do really wonder why. Maybe, there’s a change of heart. I might be thinking too much or already having paranoia. Should I think you’re busy to ease the worry? Or maybe you already had enough of me and you’re tired listening to my selfish rant?
It seems months since our last talk. We are both busy living our lives in our own separate ways. We are both dealing our own problems that we even forgot to tell to each other. Is this the end of our friendship? Is this how it supposed to be?
We’ve gone through with this kind of situation. We once talked the whole day and thought that thousands of days is not enough to stop us from sharing. We were too close, too familiar that we became complacent with each other.
Sometime in December, few days before Christmas, our friendship became fragile. We haven’t talk for days to reflect on our actions. We both have right and wrongs. We contemplate until we realized how much our friendship cost. We decided to hold unto it. We never let go and decided to continue our friendship. I thought it would never happened again, however, I was wrong. There’s still a part of me telling that our friendship is still fragile, and anytime it would collapse and can never be mend. Do you also feel that way? Is your heart telling you the same thing?
I might be thinking too much. No! I am thinking too much. But I couldn't leave the thought that the times you ignored me made me think it is a sign of leaving. Since friends in movies do the same. Are we like them? Is our relationship do not differ from what we witness in others too?
Now I wondered if the word “close” really does exist. Maybe our friendship is not as strong or special as it could be. We our like others who just come by in each other lives and decided to leave when we are already tired and bored. We are not papers that can be joined by glue nor we are woods that can be nailed with each other forever. Even so, remember that even papers and woods can be separated after several years no matter how strong we build it at first. It’s a painful reality, the biggest pain a human being will ever face.
I can’t stop thinking. I want to know the answer why. I can’t think. I can’t concentrate. Send a text or call me for even a second. Tell me you receive it and what I’m thinking is wrong. Console me. Ease my pain. Relieve me from this paranoia. Kill my thoughts. If so, let me sleep. Change my doubts to faith. And let me forget that our relationship once became fragile as ice. Prove to me that our relationship is not like what we see in movies and others. Give me the assurance that we will stay close… forever.
