Creating Memories

PURSUING HAPPINESS
(Essay)

I've been trying to find the meaning of happiness and what are the requirements to acquire it. I also wonder how would I make the feeling stay longer rather than sadness. But my pursuit of finding it seems to entail a lot of conflicts and misunderstandings, making it seemingly impossible to achieve.

Reasons vary for different kinds of people. For materialistic persons, possessing the most expensive gadget or clothing would be the reason for their happiness. Others might reason love or intangible things (emotions, etc.) to achieve it.

My emotion is always unstable. Bliss never stayed so long that I usually got stuck up in sadness. It seems that my wheel of fortune is always stuck up on a dark and muddy terrain.

I once read that the emergence of problems cannot be controlled, but how we react to it solely depends on us. I believe in it, but why can’t I tightly hold onto it? I tried several ways, even by trying to pattern my way of living in the philosophy of persons who value tangible and intangible things, successively, as a source of their happiness. However, it does not suffice my requirements to prolong the joy.

I realized that one’s happiness differs and won’t be exactly the same reasons as others. It is because our needs and reasons to feel joy and to prolong it vary. And the ways we view it solely depend on us.

Another reason is we can never be contented, influencing our view of happiness. Once we acquire the reason of feeling the joy, we long more of it that many of us became greedy. We are subject to jealousy and ambition. And there’s no escaping it.

What I simply understand is happiness is complex itself.  What more the ways and reasons to achieve it?

Happiness is a word so simple yet difficult to study or comprehend.

THE RIGHT TIME COMES 
(Essay)

When a man realizes that there is no point of hoping, pain resides in his mind and heart until a new opportunity arises.

Unknowingly, we are confined with our own biases and selfishness. Although we are taught to be altruistic, we have the instinct of thinking first of ourselves than of others.

Now that the world itself became much more complicated and cruel, we have no choice but to think of ourselves (consciously or unconsciously), especially on how we could live in such a demanding era. This usually results to not achieving what we want or long, which in turn breaks our hearts and make us feel hopeless.

The idea and action of striving very hard, yet no fruit appears, turns our world upside down. It drains our hope and confidence to face the future. Yet some point in our life, we always find light. The light might come from someone or something dear to us.

The process, in which finding such light, is being selfish itself. We've been thinking of ourselves, not knowing that we also grab the chance of others to succeed. This is a competitive world: to win is to also think of ourselves, a must-part of our lives.

For example, working until late night or doing your best in your work, and achieving compliments gives you the chance to get promoted. When you look behind, there is also someone who’s striving hard but not as gifted as you. In this manner, I’m sure you won’t give him or her the position, because it is a chance for you to achieve your goal, and to have the comfortable life you always wanted.

We don’t always need to be altruistic. The point is we should learn when or not to be one. Life is cruel itself and it has no mercy.  You must first show mercy to yourself, so you could give mercy to others. We must learn to love yourself so you could give something to others.

We must learn to fight. Life is never fair that ‘s why we need to strive hard and face the future with positive and strength.

It is natural for us to feel down or think that there is no hope at all. However, we must remember that there is still light along the way. Brood but do not take so long that you already miss the opportunity in your life. There will come a time that you will have your chance and show what you got. Just wait. It might not be now. But it will surely be in the future.

A LETTER TO MR. ANONYMOUS 
(Piece)

Dear Mr. Anonymous,

They said that once you love a person, the feeling would never leave. Maybe, that’s my case. If you think I’m confessing, maybe I do, but for me, it is a way of filling my empty heart; my way to be able to love again.

I did have crushes during grade school, but the feeling was different. Not to mention most of them were acquaintances, and became my close friends. They became my source of inspiration, my driver to do my best. Of course, my family is part of them. They always see the best in me, expect a lot from me, and always show those kind words. They cheer me up, establish connection and make close. That’s who they are, and the persons that I love.

However, you’re case was different. When I realized I have a deep romantic feeling for you, my heart shook up. It beat fast that every time I saw you I can hardly breathe or concentrate. I can’t even look in your eyes. My drive and passion to do well in school left me. Those were the times I prayed I should’ve not got too close to you, and strongly believe that you’re just a friend who only passed by.

I even wished that I don’t want to see you again, hoping that I will eventually get over from your flirtatious words and smiles, making me, for the first time, barely sleep. You tormented me and let me suffer from stress. How could you be so mean and cold? You knew that I suddenly became indifferent, but you never confronted me even once.

Months have already passed. I assumed I already get over you.  I saw those messages of yours, telling your feelings for only few words. You might not know but I have read some of it. You might even think that I never cared. But you are wrong.

I want you to know that I could still remember the tightness of your embrace the very last time we met.  It was the first time someone hugged me so tightly. I blushed; I admit that I can’t forget it until now.

Please take note that the next words I’m going to write are what I meant most.  What I really felt for you. And who you really are to me.

Yes, you are different. Because you’re the first man who made my consciousness detached from my body; making me lose control aside from speaking in front of a crowd. However, unconsciously you became my strength. You’re the first person who never judged me, who did not wait for me to commit mistake. You may not be my source of inspiration, but you became the sunlight that gives me energy to go on and do my best.

I am a type of person who does not look in the person’s eyes when talking because of inferiority complex. But my reason for not looking into your eyes was different. I was afraid that I might eventually give up and tell you my feelings. I was afraid that I would get everything wrong and I was the only who felt that way. It is also pride and lack of self-confidence that kept me away from you.

It is also you who made me realize how weak I am in love, but how I am willing to sacrifice just for love. I did wish not to see you but I strongly prayed that you’re always there for me. I hated you because you’re the first person who let jealousy take me, wishing I am the one you’re embracing and spending time with.

Lastly, you always believe in me, and never thought of me as your competitor but a special friend whom you should cheer and support. You knew my weaknesses but you still believe in me and trusted me with your frustrations and problems. I miss those times.

And now you did it again. You unwillingly cheered my heart by making a special treatment on my simple message for you. Because of this weird, unusual feeling, I gave it a special meaning, which I should not. I know you thought me only as your friend, as someone you can bully and nothing else.

A friend of mine told me to express it. I hope I successfully did, and by doing so it will help me move on. Maybe, it’s time to let you go. Maybe.

Still, thank you for those painful memories, my sweet and cold Mr. Annoying (as I want to call you). I will never forget you. In the future, I’ll share those memories and let the persons, who will be part of my future, know that there is this one person who changed my life, and let me experienced an ecstasy a person could ever had.

Till we meet again…

Goodbye “my sweetest downfall.”

Sayonara my first love.

P.S. My love for you will always stay in my heart.

Sincerely,

The messenger of happiness

Being  “ADULT”

Essay

Even adults cannot call themselves adults, I believe.

The word “adult” entails a lot of responsibilities before we can call them one. Physiologically, humans can achieve maturity but not psychologically.

Notice how persons we usually described as adults still act childish or childlike. It is because these characteristics are innate in us. It makes our world a better and interesting place to live in. Imagine the world with people acting maturely. I wonder if there would be harmony. It sounds cool but life would appear black and white.

When I searched the meaning of “adult,” most dictionaries define it as humans who are fully-grown or develop. I assumed what the dictionaries is clearly defining is the physical maturity of a person and being legally dependent, and not the mental and emotional state of a human being.

Humans never became fully grown psychologically. No matter how we strive, we will never be become one. Being fully develop means having no weakness or lacking, in short, perfectness. There are no such human as perfect. We all have weakness. It will exist no matter how we strive to become one.

Adult, for me, is a vague term to describe a person even he or she reached the age of 18 or 21, because those who deserved to be called as such are those who smoothly handles and understands every aspect of life. And no one is such. We all have shortcomings, which served as our alarm whenever we forgot the term “being human.”These mistakes shaped us into a better person but still depend on how we handle them – either positively or negatively. 

This is how life works, and the reason why inequalities exist, and why there is such thing as hard work.

The definition we gave on the world “adult” appears on the way we judge those persons we characterized as adults. We expect them to be fully-grown or should I call it “perfect,” who can fully understand life and others. We expect them to be the expert of life, the person who can fully understand us most.  But we all got it wrong. They are also human, living in a world of peculiarity and inequalities. And who will always possess the word “limitations.”

Therefore, we must not associate adult in a definition that suppose to define the physical maturity of a person. It is because a human mind and emotion could never be contained in a single definition. It can be summarized in a series of paragraph but can never be fully understood, which what makes our life complicated and mysterious.

Our characteristics vary, and a single lifetime is not enough to understand the complexities of how human mind and emotion works – the reason why we never stopped studying the human brain, and why no matter how we try to be open-minded we always commit mistake.

Man usually despises or looks down on adults who act childish and childlike. It is funny how we act and judge them like they are perfect without blemishes o flaws. We do not know or try to believe that life is a process full of bizarre occurrences. And not everyone act or think like a certain person do, a reason why inequalities exist. 

HIS SILENCE

A short story

Few minutes have only passed, yet it sounds like thousand years. He kept me waiting, standing in front of a hallway full of various and mischievous judgmental faces. Some of them stayed, some just vanished, and hundreds left. I kept waiting even though my legs grew numb from standing. I barely moved, trying to reserve my energy for when he arrives I have the strength to walk and chat with him my plans and us. My eyes were turning red, but I ignored it. I wiped it with my handkerchief and continued waiting.

An hour had already passed and my mind seemed to be exploding from lack of patience. I thought of slapping him in the face or punching him in the stomach when he arrived. Even though I know I don’t have the strength to do so, and from the moment I see his dear face, I'll be able to forgive him because I love him (secretly and unrequited).

Yes, he did not know or, maybe, he barely knew. His coldness and rare and unexpected warmness unwillingly captured my heart. I hate him, yet I can't stop loving him. If only I could convince my heart to stop from beating for him. If only I could forget him so I'll stop waiting in the hallway I usually do not visit.

Few days ago, I tried to kill my beating heart. I tried stabbing it; even crushing it so it will grew numb. But I failed. It never stopped beating for him, so I decided to face it. Yet the consequence was seemingly unbearable. He never said a word to comfort me, to assure me that he felt the same. I was floating in wilderness and soaking in pain. I barely breathe and nearly died.

Still, I am standing here in front of the hallway I usually do not visit. No shadow of him appeared. I'm shaking because of hunger but I continued waiting. The hallway suddenly became noisy, unbearably noisy. I tried to listen to all of them, yet I can't understand any piece of it. I’m afraid of them. I fear their judgments.I tried to focus on every voice. I heard one say "There must be something". Another said "Nothing serious". Meanwhile, a girl's comments hit me. She said "No one deserve her". Eavesdropping made my stomach whirl.

I felt stumbling but I able to balance. “It was not meant for me,” I convinced myself.“Yes, she was talking to someone else. Someone she hated. I barely knew her, yes, it's not me.”

I walked into the crowd and felt mixture of emotions: happiness, jealousy, sadness, loneliness, hatred and guilt. I forced myself to stand and walk through the crowd until I reach and filled an open space. There, I can clearly see the end of the hallway. I stand firm and clutched my hand. My chest was throbbing while I hold back the tears in my eyes. He was there standing with his friends laughing and talking. He caught a glimpse of me, but ignored my presence. I joined them and unceasingly stared at him.

He noticed my intrusion. He grabbed my hand and pushed me in the corner. He stared at me with vague expression. He looked serious but I felt the amusement in his eyes. He did not hold my hand, instead, my left wrist. The noise suddenly faltered. For minutes we stayed in that position, but did not say any word. He let go of my left wrist and walked forward.He never said a word or did not say any assurance and left me again in wilderness. He never said a word.

I thought of running towards him and give him a hug or a slap, but I hesitated. Instead, I chose to watch him walk and pass on every person in the crowd. He did not dare to look back. There was again pain, and then silence. I already decided not to follow him. Yes, I am hesitant but I knew this is the best way to heal my broken heart: letting him go. I’ve been holding it for too long. I turn my back and walk in the opposite direction. I turned my head moment by moment wishing he'll look back, but I saw nothing.

THEREFORE I CONCLUDE,

That this must be THE END of our story that never had a chance to have a beginning. The end of the open space I tried to fill in.And stop visiting the hallway I barely knew. Yes, maybe, it's better this way; ending my suffering from continuously living in a hopeless romantic dream and hole I called “Fairy tale.”

But is turning back the best way?

FRAGILE Friendship

A STRUGGLE OF MIND AND EMOTION