by



A COMPLEX EMOTION

 “Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking and loving and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning. The tragedy of man is that he doesn't know how to distinguish between day and night. He says things at night that should only be said by day.” ― Elie Wiesel, Dawn
                                                                                                                                                       

I accidentally killed a rat. For some reason I felt very bad about it. It was an accident. I never meant to end his life. Absurd, I know, but my heart is like cotton when it comes to animals.
                       
I don't know whether what I accidentally did was wrong or right. The pests invading our house decrease from three to two. I'm glad about it but I, the unintentional culprit, killed a rat. I never want to lay a hand that I know has a life. The result of my wrongdoings always seems to slap me, I guess.

It was 3 in the morning when I decided to have a break in my movie marathon to wash myself, and get ready to sleep. I hurriedly went down the stairs and into the bathroom to do my daily routine. I was finish using the wash room when my eyes caught a mischievous gray-colored thing stuck between the door and its hinge. I opened the door and realized it was one of the rats pestering our kitchen. We've been trying to catch him but he seemed to be very smart and agile in hiding from us.

When I found his unconscious body, I released and checked if he's still alive. He's abdomen also do not move, indicating that he already died. My heart aches upon seeing him and almost cried. I hurriedly ran to my father who is already sleeping. I shook him hard to wake him up. I told him that I killed a rat. He immediately stood and wrapped the carcass on the newspaper. I can't help but felt bad about what I did. I brushed my teeth and brooded myself to what I have done.

I just remember a report I did during my third year in college about religions in Asia and different parts of the world. There is Shintoism, Buddhism, Jainism and many more. Jainism is the religion that caught my attention. What I have remembered is Jainism has a belief that a soul can be reincarnated to any forms of life. They believe every little thing has a soul. It is the reason (I think) they don't kill even the tiniest living creature in the world.

We all have different beliefs and opinions. But what fascinates me about the believers of Jainism is how they respected life no matter how small or big it is. If only people know how to be sensitive like them, not exactly on how they viewed life, maybe life will not be hard at all. But life is complicated. It is impossible to urge everyone to act humanely as possible at all times because our emotions and personalities differ from others.

We live in a place with so many cultures. We were brought up with different beliefs and environment that what we think often varies to others. There are lots of things to learn in this world, and a single lifetime is not enough to understand and learn it. However, it is not enough reason why we shouldn't care for other's feelings and opinions.

It's natural that we don't fully understand each other. What matters most is we learn to respect each other’s differences, and adjust to things new to us.  However if conflict arises, there's something inside of us that must be willing to reconcile. There's a pest inside us and if we don't know how to control or even kill it (even if it do harm than good) will eat us. Pride cannot only kill mentally, but emotionally and physically as well.

Conflict only arises when we are unwilling to reconcile or get eat up by our own pride when we know in ourselves that we are in the wrong track.

From the bad experience of killing a rat sprouted a lot of ideas and memories in my mind. Life is connected after all. It is like a spider web linking our experiences to a certain point in our lives. Our experiences, no matter how unimportant we think, contain lessons we must always cherish.  

As for killing the rat, I could do nothing to undo it. I guess I need to let time heal the guilt that’s keep killing me.